Yesterday I had a confrontation with a very angry man. I will not go into a lot of details, but suffice it to say he stormed over to where I was sitting, leaned in over me and started ranting and raving, hands curled into fists and let me have it with both barrels... apparently someone has big issues with women in any sort of position of authority.

Thankfully, it ended and the confronter stalked off, but it certainly left me shaking, wanting to cry and my stomach seriously considered tossing what little lunch I'd just had. Eating the rest of my lunch was definitely not happening....and, as the hours passed the trembling finally stopped and I found myself getting angrier and angrier with myself for how I had responded to the situation.

It has been quite some time since my last intimidating confrontation with a man, and I had always thought I would be stronger now and could take it. I am no longer that wimp, I had thought....boy was I proved wrong. The only thing that kept me from crying was the fact that I wasn't about to let this jerk know he'd have that power over me. Anger pretty much filled my afternoon....anger towards my aggressor, anger with myself....but at least I got through my day. You can always break down when you go home, I told myself.

I was finally able to go home about 4 hours later, and wound up having a long talk with someone I trust about the situation (by the way, did I thank you for that?). I did not break down. I am no longer angry with myself either, and know that, should the occasion arise again, I will not blame myself for any "weakness" I may feel. I know it is a natural reaction for a girl who has taken the years of crap I have to feel fear in the face of open aggression....I think I would probably feel the same even without my past "history".

It is what I do with that fear that defines me, not that I felt it. I refuse to let any man make me feel inferior and small ever again....I may tremble, but I will not bow my head and think less of myself because some man has his own issues and takes them out on me.

....

My aggressor is here again today (unavoidable really)...

I stood firm and, while I haven't spoken to him more than absolutely necessary, I think it was fairly obvious from the look on my face when he walked in that he was to leave me alone and back the hell off. Thankfully, he did so, and has ignored me as well.

Guess we'll have to see how the days that follow go.....

Spring and a young man's fancy...

Well, today I watched my co-worker practically reduced to Jell-O while waiting for his lunch date to arrive. Allow me to explain: he's been admiring one of our managers' sons so I made arrangements for the manager to bring her son down and we'd all go to lunch together for the appearance of the office (but it was really to get these two together). Funny to see that guys get just as nervous about this dating things as we girls! The poor guy was shaking and kept complaining about the butterflies in his stomach....all the while getting more noticably nervous the closer we got to lunchtime. I actually started feeling so sorry for him, but tried to tease and joke with him about it to get him to loosen up....I don't think it did much help though. The funny part is that he wasn't better after the lunch--it was worse because then he started worrying about what he should or shouldn't have done! (and I thought being a girl in a dating situation was bad!)

We decided that the guys should drive in one car and we girls in another, which apparently appealed to all parties and we'd meet at the restaurant. Well we girls didn't notice the guys sitting in the car so we walked into the place, got a table and ordered. About 5 minutes later we get a call on the cell phone asking just where were we! Anyway, the waitress shows them to a booth down from ours where they had privacy but we could hear their voices yammering away so we knew they both were at least talking so THAT was a good start. As a nice side note I had so much fun talking with this gal that I actually forgot that this was for the guys and I have made a wonderful friend in this woman!

Anyway, sweet as it was to see my poor co-worker find the courage to put so much of himself on the line (he keep his emotions buried down pretty deep) it worries me too that he may get hurt and what then? I hate that he feels he can't share who he is and how he feels with others and I don't want to see him get trampled and then not want to try again. But then that's life, isn't it? Every day we take chances and sometimes we get hurt and other times we make a connection. You can stay safe in your hidey hole refusing to allow anyone in but man is that ever a lonely condition (trust me, been there, done that, have the t-shirt!)

I really do hope that, if anything, they can have a friendship form from this but it makes me so angry to think of what people can do to eachother. The fact that this poor guy has been led to believe all his life that he can't show his feelings because friends and family have ridiculed him in the past--what's that line Keanu Reeves says in "Parenthood"? "You need a license to shoot a deer, heck even to catch a fish but any asshole can be a parent"....we all want to be treated with a little kindness and respect, but its funny how many of us don't bother learning that to get it you have to give it!

Still, I wish him the best of luck and have the net ready in case he falls..I know that pain is a part of life and it helps us to appreciate the good thing, but hopefully nothing like that will happen soon. We've both been invited to Layton for the weekend later this month and "help with renovations"...I guess only time will tell....man I hope this doesn't blow up in my face!