The downside to being up....

Hey all...this is an older post that's been sitting in my draft folder since January 2015...thought I'd go ahead and share as it is something I feel strongly about.

I came across an informative and interesting look at Bi-Polar Disorder today... something that I, too, suffer from.  Luckily I am on the low-end scale of the disorder, but I recognize a lot of my own behavior patterns in these people.

Scary.

Why do I share this?  Because I feel that it is better for people to know what to look for, and to understand what it is that we deal with on a very daily basis.

I remember having a friend, years ago, who used to joke about needing her "Shawna Fix"; like I was some drug of choice, and I being so angry and resentful every time she would say it.  All it said to me was that she preferred me in my more manic, entertaining mode... like I was a performing monkey for her entertainment, and I was left with a feeling that a balance was not desired, because someone a little more even-keeled would not be nearly as fun to be around.

I am no longer in such a toxic relationship, thankfully, but I notice I am far more elaborate and peppy when I am around other people... its when I am alone and safe in the comfort of my home that I am able to collapse back into periods of blank flatness, and there are times that I crave this blankness that it scares me.

This is further exacerbated by the fact that I often forget to take my meds.  On my meds it is easier to feel that I am really fine, that there is nothing wrong with me and I find myself forgetting them... until I find myself turning into what I call my "super bitch" mode... where anything is capable of setting me off and leave me fuming; a bomb that is not always easily defused once triggered.

Balance is hard to find, as I never seem to find the energy to try and plan a less-stressful schedule than what I currently have.  I find being asked to do additional tasks frustrating, and I fly off the handle angrily at being asked to tackle the simplest of tasks on top of what I am already doing.  I often burst into tears when I am alone, simply because I am so tired.

Don't get me wrong... I love the creativity, the energy, the being excited and on-fire about a new project, but it is so exhausting.  I find myself just collapsing... hardly having energy to make it to the bathroom, and often don't bother feeding myself or accomplishing tasks around the house. The idea of cooking a meal just exhausts me and seems beyond my capability at times like these.

Weekends are worse, especially when nothing is planned, as I spend my time mindlessly staring at the computer... I can't even be bothered to reach for a book or some other distraction that I normally love.  I spend it doing essentially nothing... a sort of buffer to unwind from a week of running non-stop.  A pressure release valve that leaves me feeling worthless and like I have nothing to offer, as Monday comes all too soon and I am left looking back at a weekend wasted with nothing to show for it.

Maybe it is time to look at having my meds adjusted: at this time I am only on an anti-depressant, but maybe it is time to look at the bigger guns.It is definitely time to re-think my work schedule... 10 to 13 hour days have to stop as I am driving myself into the ground and I hate myself more the longer it goes on.  I am not saying that I hate what I do for a living... honestly, its a nice job that I enjoy, but it is easily overwhelming, as I allow it to consume far too many hours.

These last couple of weekends have found me sleeping through them entirely... which terrifies my husband.  Up to that point I was bringing work home with me; not taking a day off at all.  There is a huge pile of work beside me now that demands I focus on it, but, as much as it needs to be done, a part of me is incredibly resentful that it sits here judging me.  I know that if I don't do it today, it will be just that much more work dumped on me tomorrow, and I know my week is already going to be crazy enough without this added to it.

The load I stack on myself is also hurting others... I become so overwhelmed that I lash out if I am disturbed (for example Richard just walked into my office to see if I needed anything and all I could do was angrily glare at him for interrupting me).  He apologized, recognizing "that look" and now I feel like an utter shit... all he wanted to do was to see if I was doing okay and I became super bitch (at least in my mind... wisely I kept my mouth shut) but I still hurt him needlessly.

So now I need to apologize, and all I want to do is cry because I hate being this way.

I hired a second assistant to help with the workflow, who will start as soon as I have a computer ready (which cannot happen soon enough in my opinion).  We had increased our field support employees (our staff in the field has doubled since last December) but I hadn't brought in help for the increase in billing paperwork that it generated.  I hope having another assistant helps, but I know that I need to speak to my doctor about other changes as well.

I need to find a way to stop the mood swings that seem to have taken over so much of my life.  I need to learn to find a way to say "no" (politely , of course) to additional tasks that so easily overwhelm me, which will not be easy, because I am naturally the kind of person who wants to say "yes" and not hurt anyone's feelings.

Frankly, I am not sure why I am throwing this out into the void, but I hope that it will help me to get a better picture if I do, since I am very good at ignoring things that I do not want to deal with.  Will I post this?  I doubt it, as I do not like worrying others with my own trivial problems.  Most likely it will sit here in my drafts box, and I will later go back to it and laugh at what a Drama Queen I was being and how overly melodramatic I can be.  Of course, I will safely be back on my meds by that time, and not likely to feel connected to these feelings.  Like I said, I am good at ignoring things, and forgetting the unpleasant bits of my personality is second nature to me.

But if I do post this, I wanted to add a link to the documentary I watched, as it was so very well done.  I want to throw out my thanks to Mr Fry for sharing a very personal side of himself and to the many people who graciously granted interviews to discuss their own challenges with this lousy disease.

And for the record Mr Fry... I would push that button in a heartbeat.

http://www.sciencedump.com/content/stephen-fry-secret-life-manic-depressive-doc

Letting go

It's been ages since I've even thought of blogging...for which I humbly apologize. There are all sorts of excuses I could make, but I really guess it all boils down to life and priorities getting all twisted and tangled into an unfathomable mess, which really happens to all of us from time-to-time, doesn't it? For once life has left me with time on my hands, and a desire to start writing...what better way to slip into things than by dusting off my blogs and diving in?

Today finds me relatively well, in spite of my health issues...which I shall cover in later posts. This afternoon Richard promises to help me get my office into some sort of order (i.e.: clear a path through my accumulated papers, supplies and books so I can get to both desks). I've taken on the mindset that we have far too much stuff that cluttering the place up...in a small apartment this means my office looks like an episode of Hoarders, though, thankfully, without the dead cats or feline-related urine stains (no urine of any kind for that matter).

Why the need to downsize? Well, being home 24/7 and having this junk stare me in the face is stressful..in the past I could escape by going to work and coming home in time to eat and head straight to bed, but I no longer have that option. Wanting to grab the cats and just walk away from it all is not a healthy condition to find myself in and is not normal!

I have noticed a familial trend to be pack rats and I no longer want a part of it. Case in point: I got Richard to rearrange the bedroom furniture; since the addition of my recliner (yes, I sleep in a recliner now) the room was completely crowded. It was hard to negotiate while clean, let alone with junk on the floor. Every time I allowed myself to think of it I got anxious, then angry, and then downright mean because I felt like I was suffocating in a pile of unneeded crap.

Heck, just thinking about it is making me upset!

The bedroom is still not done, but it feels much more open and I noticed the more that was done the less pissy I was feeling. It's very slow-going because we have accumulated a lot of stuff and, I admit it's hard to let some of it go. That, and my current health doesn't allow me to do much without bringing on a lot of pain, but it NEEDS to be done.

I don't think stress will go away once we have decluttered our lives, but it WILL reduce something that's become a stress-trigger for me, which is good, and having less junk around for me to trip over or fall against is good now that I'm more prone to fractures.

I know, I know....sooooooo not an interesting post. I'll try and do better with the next one....once I find my desk!