Hey all...this is an older post that's been sitting in my draft folder since January 2015...thought I'd go ahead and share as it is something I feel strongly about.
I came across an informative and interesting look at Bi-Polar Disorder today... something that I, too, suffer from. Luckily I am on the low-end scale of the disorder, but I recognize a lot of my own behavior patterns in these people.
Why do I share this? Because I feel that it is better for people to know what to look for, and to understand what it is that we deal with on a very daily basis.
I remember having a friend, years ago, who used to joke about needing her "Shawna Fix"; like I was some drug of choice, and I being so angry and resentful every time she would say it. All it said to me was that she preferred me in my more manic, entertaining mode... like I was a performing monkey for her entertainment, and I was left with a feeling that a balance was not desired, because someone a little more even-keeled would not be nearly as fun to be around.
I am no longer in such a toxic relationship, thankfully, but I notice I am far more elaborate and peppy when I am around other people... its when I am alone and safe in the comfort of my home that I am able to collapse back into periods of blank flatness, and there are times that I crave this blankness that it scares me.
This is further exacerbated by the fact that I often forget to take my meds. On my meds it is easier to feel that I am really fine, that there is nothing wrong with me and I find myself forgetting them... until I find myself turning into what I call my "super bitch" mode... where anything is capable of setting me off and leave me fuming; a bomb that is not always easily defused once triggered.
Balance is hard to find, as I never seem to find the energy to try and plan a less-stressful schedule than what I currently have. I find being asked to do additional tasks frustrating, and I fly off the handle angrily at being asked to tackle the simplest of tasks on top of what I am already doing. I often burst into tears when I am alone, simply because I am so tired.
Don't get me wrong... I love the creativity, the energy, the being excited and on-fire about a new project, but it is so exhausting. I find myself just collapsing... hardly having energy to make it to the bathroom, and often don't bother feeding myself or accomplishing tasks around the house. The idea of cooking a meal just exhausts me and seems beyond my capability at times like these.
Weekends are worse, especially when nothing is planned, as I spend my time mindlessly staring at the computer... I can't even be bothered to reach for a book or some other distraction that I normally love. I spend it doing essentially nothing... a sort of buffer to unwind from a week of running non-stop. A pressure release valve that leaves me feeling worthless and like I have nothing to offer, as Monday comes all too soon and I am left looking back at a weekend wasted with nothing to show for it.
Maybe it is time to look at having my meds adjusted: at this time I am only on an anti-depressant, but maybe it is time to look at the bigger guns.It is definitely time to re-think my work schedule... 10 to 13 hour days have to stop as I am driving myself into the ground and I hate myself more the longer it goes on. I am not saying that I hate what I do for a living... honestly, its a nice job that I enjoy, but it is easily overwhelming, as I allow it to consume far too many hours.
These last couple of weekends have found me sleeping through them entirely... which terrifies my husband. Up to that point I was bringing work home with me; not taking a day off at all. There is a huge pile of work beside me now that demands I focus on it, but, as much as it needs to be done, a part of me is incredibly resentful that it sits here judging me. I know that if I don't do it today, it will be just that much more work dumped on me tomorrow, and I know my week is already going to be crazy enough without this added to it.
The load I stack on myself is also hurting others... I become so overwhelmed that I lash out if I am disturbed (for example Richard just walked into my office to see if I needed anything and all I could do was angrily glare at him for interrupting me). He apologized, recognizing "that look" and now I feel like an utter shit... all he wanted to do was to see if I was doing okay and I became super bitch (at least in my mind... wisely I kept my mouth shut) but I still hurt him needlessly.
So now I need to apologize, and all I want to do is cry because I hate being this way.
I hired a second assistant to help with the workflow, who will start as soon as I have a computer ready (which cannot happen soon enough in my opinion). We had increased our field support employees (our staff in the field has doubled since last December) but I hadn't brought in help for the increase in billing paperwork that it generated. I hope having another assistant helps, but I know that I need to speak to my doctor about other changes as well.
I need to find a way to stop the mood swings that seem to have taken over so much of my life. I need to learn to find a way to say "no" (politely , of course) to additional tasks that so easily overwhelm me, which will not be easy, because I am naturally the kind of person who wants to say "yes" and not hurt anyone's feelings.
Frankly, I am not sure why I am throwing this out into the void, but I hope that it will help me to get a better picture if I do, since I am very good at ignoring things that I do not want to deal with. Will I post this? I doubt it, as I do not like worrying others with my own trivial problems. Most likely it will sit here in my drafts box, and I will later go back to it and laugh at what a Drama Queen I was being and how overly melodramatic I can be. Of course, I will safely be back on my meds by that time, and not likely to feel connected to these feelings. Like I said, I am good at ignoring things, and forgetting the unpleasant bits of my personality is second nature to me.
But if I do post this, I wanted to add a link to the documentary I watched, as it was so very well done. I want to throw out my thanks to Mr Fry for sharing a very personal side of himself and to the many people who graciously granted interviews to discuss their own challenges with this lousy disease.
And for the record Mr Fry... I would push that button in a heartbeat.