Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I Surrender!!!!!

It takes so little to change one's place in I officially surrendered my Washingtonian status and both me and my car became the legal property of the state of Utah! Funny how something so mundane takes getting used to....though I have already memorized the license number it looks strange to see those pretty blue and orange plates settling in where my white ones sat before....and while for the first time in my life I HAVE A PRETTY PICTURE (!!!!) on my driver's license, changing from my oh-so-easy-to-remember Washington ID to Utah's purely numerical system might be a little more challenging!

I DID get busted at the licensing department though. I have ALWAYS passed the vision test without wearing my glasses so I am used to leaving them in the car and saying "no" to the "do you wear corrective lenses" question. Well, come this morning I answer "no", look into the viewer and end up staring at a hopeless blur. I tried blundering through but after a moment the sweet little grandpa behind the counter quietly asks "sweetie, did you bring your glasses with you?" Crap! Meekly I answered in the affirmative and he sent me trotting out to go get them and start again...darn it, those letter cleared right up once I put on my glasses! He was sweet enough to joke with me about how many women try getting around that one and then let me get my picture taken without the things on. He couldn't resist one teasing barb on my way out though... "I feel a lot better on the road knowing you have those things on now!" Grrrrrr... why does Lasik have to be so darn expensive?

All this for just under $150, 3 1/2 hours of my time and a lot of gas trying to find just how freaking far north you have to drive to reach the licensing department! Okay, while I didn't mind the price or the time....I gotta admit the driving all the way to the topmost part of Orem (seriously I thought I was gonna hit Lindon before I got there!) was a bit much. Of course, the fact that I drove up State Street from Center in Provo might have had something to do with it...if I'd only thought it out I could've jumped on the freeway and been there in no time at all (sigh)....someday I will reach the point where I automatically know these things. Seeing as I now belong here, I hope it will be soon!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Spring and a young man's fancy...

Well, today I watched my co-worker practically reduced to Jell-O while waiting for his lunch date to arrive. Allow me to explain: he's been admiring one of our managers' sons so I made arrangements for the manager to bring her son down and we'd all go to lunch together for the appearance of the office (but it was really to get these two together). Funny to see that guys get just as nervous about this dating things as we girls! The poor guy was shaking and kept complaining about the butterflies in his stomach....all the while getting more noticably nervous the closer we got to lunchtime. I actually started feeling so sorry for him, but tried to tease and joke with him about it to get him to loosen up....I don't think it did much help though. The funny part is that he wasn't better after the lunch--it was worse because then he started worrying about what he should or shouldn't have done! (and I thought being a girl in a dating situation was bad!)

We decided that the guys should drive in one car and we girls in another, which apparently appealed to all parties and we'd meet at the restaurant. Well we girls didn't notice the guys sitting in the car so we walked into the place, got a table and ordered. About 5 minutes later we get a call on the cell phone asking just where were we! Anyway, the waitress shows them to a booth down from ours where they had privacy but we could hear their voices yammering away so we knew they both were at least talking so THAT was a good start. As a nice side note I had so much fun talking with this gal that I actually forgot that this was for the guys and I have made a wonderful friend in this woman!

Anyway, sweet as it was to see my poor co-worker find the courage to put so much of himself on the line (he keep his emotions buried down pretty deep) it worries me too that he may get hurt and what then? I hate that he feels he can't share who he is and how he feels with others and I don't want to see him get trampled and then not want to try again. But then that's life, isn't it? Every day we take chances and sometimes we get hurt and other times we make a connection. You can stay safe in your hidey hole refusing to allow anyone in but man is that ever a lonely condition (trust me, been there, done that, have the t-shirt!)

I really do hope that, if anything, they can have a friendship form from this but it makes me so angry to think of what people can do to eachother. The fact that this poor guy has been led to believe all his life that he can't show his feelings because friends and family have ridiculed him in the past--what's that line Keanu Reeves says in "Parenthood"? "You need a license to shoot a deer, heck even to catch a fish but any asshole can be a parent"....we all want to be treated with a little kindness and respect, but its funny how many of us don't bother learning that to get it you have to give it!

Still, I wish him the best of luck and have the net ready in case he falls..I know that pain is a part of life and it helps us to appreciate the good thing, but hopefully nothing like that will happen soon. We've both been invited to Layton for the weekend later this month and "help with renovations"...I guess only time will I hope this doesn't blow up in my face!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Self esteem and more...text messages for all to see

Way too much time spent this morning/afternoon texting Lucie about my lack of sister's responses are not noted here but you should get the drift...the last couple of responses are actually to my friend Mike....and just so you get things straight there is a Mike (gay friend who I adore) and a Michael (my gay unadored ex-husband)...try to keep up know there's a quote "we didn't come to the earth to find self esteem--we came with it" yeah well that guy didn't grow up in my shoes! Take it or leave it but here it is....

"I didn't mean to get you all teary-eyed babe--but I do have to tell myself that I didn't really leave you...that I am just down here paving the way, but its hard to believe that sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I've abandoned you to the wolves while I made my own escape and it makes me sick..."

"Of course then I have to tell myself to stop being so melodramatic"

"I just got to thinking what it is that I really want and need in this life. I talk about wanting someone to kiss but that's not really it. What I want is someone who isn't afraid to touch me. That's why I love the wind and the rain so--they make contact. So much of my life was spent feeling like I was disgusting or revolting. We never touched as a family when I was younger. Its hard to admit it but I think that's one of the things I loved most about you kids and what jurt the most when you moved all loved me and never made me feel as if there were something wrong with me. That's what I miss now--someone to hug me and make me feel, if even for a moment, that I am special and worth loving"

"Of all the silly places to have this conversation--in the bathroom and crying harder than I have ever cried before but trying to keep it quiet because my roommate is in the next room"

"I admire the fact that you wanted something and went for it--you don't wait for people to help you, you do it for yourself. When Peter says such nasty things you still take it in acknowledge its his problem rather than let it make you feel bad about yourself. I never had that confidence in myself--I believed what others thought of me."

"You've learned a lesson that took me years to find out. The only problem is that it is hard to change years of programmed thinking."

"I wasn't talking about meeting a guy...this is something I need to correct in myself rather than expect some Prince Charming to come along and fix. If I get my self worth from someone else then that person also has the ability to take it away or hurt you with it--I learned that lesson with Michael."

"Flopped on my bed trying not to feel like a wrung out washrag. Seriously Doodle, I haven't cried so hard in years....makes me feel like I need a nap...or a cookie"

"I think that's why we as a people have the capacity to be so cruel. We don't necessarily want to hurt another person...its what we don't see in ourselves (anything good or worthwhile) that we are attacking. Inside we may be crying and hurting but all we knkow is how to reinforce that negative self image so we create situations where we literally force others to tell us we are bad when we really want to be good and are just crying out for someone to love us regardless, or to see the scared and hurt child deep within"

"getting your self worth from me is okay because I get mine from you. To be someone you trust like that is really a wonderful compliment. I trust you honey and that's good enough for me until I can start believing in myself on my own. I think we all need someone in our lives that we look to, that we trust completely; it helps to know that when things get rough there is someone out there who cares and is willing to help you through when you need it most"

"Life would be a lot harder without some sort of support system...whether its family or friends. Tammy noticed I had been crying when I came out of the bath and I mentioned I hadn't cried that hard in years. She thinks its proly cause here I feel safe. You know, she is right...I have friends here that I can be myself with, I have a job that I feel good doing and I know that this place is good for me"

"I am learning that life is what you make of it. I needed something more so I am making this be more, but yes I do think you can be happy too. Having people you can drop your guard with helps. Mike was here last night until one...just talking about growing up and work etc but I don't have to worry when I am around him. He is a friend that likes me for who I am and I already trust him with more personal information than most. It wasn't so much even what we talked about last night but having someone to talk to without thinking 'oh I can't say this, what would he think of me?' or other such nonsense"

"I wasn't trying to be smart necessarily but was just trying to point out that you only get so many opportunities in life so you might as well try grabbing the brass ring"

"you know I spent a big chunk of my life bring shy and wasted several opportunities that came my way because I didn't feel I deserved them...I say FUCK being shy and if there is something worthwhile you wanna pursue then chase after it, even if there's a chance your heart may be hurt. Its better than always holding back, afraid to fly."

"What are you afraid of sweetie?"

"I am going to be creating a new post today of the text messages that I had with Lucie today about the way self esteem really is a big nasty cock sucking pain in the ass. I should send you a copy or just forward you the texts. I am in a raw and angry-with-myself state of mind right now but I think it would do you good to hear it."

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

....but is it art?

I went to the Springville art museum last night and I was AMAZED at #1 just how amazingly huge that space is (for such a small looking building) and #2 how much fantastic (and diverse!) art was hanging in there. Funny because when I moved here I was told by a close source that it wasn't worth bothering with. I can understand the fact that this person has been to Europe, etc and has seen REAL ART (their phrase not mine) but what a waste to discount such an amazing local resource.

So if they don't have a Picasso or Rembrandt its not a museum? Because some person isn't famous like Van Gogh or Matisse their work is crap? I never would have pictured this person as a snob but I was shocked to find out how wrong they were....apparently we have COMPLETELY different ideas about what we consider art. I can see why they call this town "Art City" and I am proud to call myself an artist (well I consider myself one anyway but I can truly call myself one since I live here!!!!!)

Frankly we all have different things we consider art--for some its photography, computer editing (or a mesh of the two), charcoal/paints/pastels, mixed media (my fave!)... heck I even consider my poetry as an art form! It never fails to amaze me how unless it fits someone's molded, pre-fab idea it gets discounted. Who can put a label on what moves and speaks to another person? Who gets to decide just what is and what isn't art?

Monday, March 5, 2007

are there ANY remotely decent straight guys in Utah that are not married?

Well, met gay guy number whatever here in Utah...I swear I have met more guys batting for the other team in the nearly six months I have lived here than I did in several years of living in Spokane! Actually one is becoming a good friend (which helps since we share the same office at work!) who has been sweet enough to let me pick his brain. Hopefully this guy doesn't realize what I was actually trying to figure out is why I am attracted to gay guys even after I know their (ahem) "social status". Eureka I have found my answer!!!!! I tend to fall for gay guys because they are the ones that actually take the time to get to know you and like you for who you are--not what you look like. Crap! I can see it now....any guy who is actually nice to me from now on will proly have me wondering "okay pal, are you just undeclared or is this the real thing?"

One sad side note about hanging out with a gay guy....we have the same damn taste in men! How tragic is THAT? Someday I will happen to trot out some new guy I've met and then have to wonder just how far is his imagination going...or worse, he'll bring by his new boy toy and I'll be left wondering why something that nice went so wrong...

What it all boils down to is my heart is looking for a place to land.....well, that and I have been seriously jonesing for someone to snog! Not that I would kiss just anyone mind you...I've only kissed one guy (and I married him!)...I kind of like that track record. (yeah, yeah so I divorced that one...don't remind me). While I like the idea that I haven't been out there trying to break the Guiness World Record of most-boys-kissed-in-a-single-lifetime, we're heading on 8 years without some lip action! I can only hope that I can keep the raging hormones at bay until the right guy comes along....and then pray that I don't literally attack him once I find him...(!)

teens and cars and right-of-passage....oh my! friend's daughter is going to be 18 this thursday. Amazing to think she has kids that old but tonight I let Brook drive my car since she needs like 30 trips in her "driver's log" before she can take her driver's test. Amazingly she's pretty good, though really nervous. Funny but I never thought I'd relax in the passenger seat with a "student driver" but it was fine. She even joked about halfway home (it was about a 5 mile drive) how "you're great to drive're not yelling". I assured her that if she did something glaringly wrong then I'd mention it to her but otherwise why bother? Constantly checking her speed (well, okay...I did check it a couple times out of the corner of my eye but she kept to the speed limit) or doing the "parental imaginary brake stomp" every five feet would just put her on edge. I told her since she has a late start for school tomorrow she could drive me to her school (its on my way to work) in the morning rather than taking the bus if she wanted (about 16 miles) and she literally jumped at the chance. I also agreed to let her drive up and down Hobble Creek Canyon when I got home from work in the evenings if she wanted additional practice....I have been officially labelled "big sister" for that one. Funny but it felt good to be able to help her out, especially since its nothing really big to me (so I get chauffered around!) but it means so much to her....actually I think it could be fun, and on the plus side not only does it help my friend (who is somewhat nervous anyway) but it gives Brook confidence as well since she won't have me freaking out in the seat next to her (which apparently happened on mom's last trip with her!) Keep you posted....for those of you who know how much I love my baby (he's a 93 Corsica) keep your fingers crossed that he makes it in one piece!