Way too much time spent this morning/afternoon texting Lucie about my lack of self-esteem......my sister's responses are not noted here but you should get the drift...the last couple of responses are actually to my friend Mike....and just so you get things straight there is a Mike (gay friend who I adore) and a Michael (my gay unadored ex-husband)...try to keep up everyone.....you know there's a quote "we didn't come to the earth to find self esteem--we came with it" yeah well that guy didn't grow up in my shoes! Take it or leave it but here it is....
"I didn't mean to get you all teary-eyed babe--but I do have to tell myself that I didn't really leave you...that I am just down here paving the way, but its hard to believe that sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I've abandoned you to the wolves while I made my own escape and it makes me sick..."
"Of course then I have to tell myself to stop being so melodramatic"
"I just got to thinking what it is that I really want and need in this life. I talk about wanting someone to kiss but that's not really it. What I want is someone who isn't afraid to touch me. That's why I love the wind and the rain so--they make contact. So much of my life was spent feeling like I was disgusting or revolting. We never touched as a family when I was younger. Its hard to admit it but I think that's one of the things I loved most about you kids and what jurt the most when you moved away...you all loved me and never made me feel as if there were something wrong with me. That's what I miss now--someone to hug me and make me feel, if even for a moment, that I am special and worth loving"
"Of all the silly places to have this conversation--in the bathroom and crying harder than I have ever cried before but trying to keep it quiet because my roommate is in the next room"
"I admire the fact that you wanted something and went for it--you don't wait for people to help you, you do it for yourself. When Peter says such nasty things you still take it in stride...you acknowledge its his problem rather than let it make you feel bad about yourself. I never had that confidence in myself--I believed what others thought of me."
"You've learned a lesson that took me years to find out. The only problem is that it is hard to change years of programmed thinking."
"I wasn't talking about meeting a guy...this is something I need to correct in myself rather than expect some Prince Charming to come along and fix. If I get my self worth from someone else then that person also has the ability to take it away or hurt you with it--I learned that lesson with Michael."
"Flopped on my bed trying not to feel like a wrung out washrag. Seriously Doodle, I haven't cried so hard in years....makes me feel like I need a nap...or a cookie"
"I think that's why we as a people have the capacity to be so cruel. We don't necessarily want to hurt another person...its what we don't see in ourselves (anything good or worthwhile) that we are attacking. Inside we may be crying and hurting but all we knkow is how to reinforce that negative self image so we create situations where we literally force others to tell us we are bad when we really want to be good and are just crying out for someone to love us regardless, or to see the scared and hurt child deep within"
"getting your self worth from me is okay because I get mine from you. To be someone you trust like that is really a wonderful compliment. I trust you honey and that's good enough for me until I can start believing in myself on my own. I think we all need someone in our lives that we look to, that we trust completely; it helps to know that when things get rough there is someone out there who cares and is willing to help you through when you need it most"
"Life would be a lot harder without some sort of support system...whether its family or friends. Tammy noticed I had been crying when I came out of the bath and I mentioned I hadn't cried that hard in years. She thinks its proly cause here I feel safe. You know, she is right...I have friends here that I can be myself with, I have a job that I feel good doing and I know that this place is good for me"
"I am learning that life is what you make of it. I needed something more so I am making this be more, but yes I do think you can be happy too. Having people you can drop your guard with helps. Mike was here last night until one...just talking about growing up and work etc but I don't have to worry when I am around him. He is a friend that likes me for who I am and I already trust him with more personal information than most. It wasn't so much even what we talked about last night but having someone to talk to without thinking 'oh I can't say this, what would he think of me?' or other such nonsense"
"I wasn't trying to be smart necessarily but was just trying to point out that you only get so many opportunities in life so you might as well try grabbing the brass ring"
"you know I spent a big chunk of my life bring shy and wasted several opportunities that came my way because I didn't feel I deserved them...I say FUCK being shy and if there is something worthwhile you wanna pursue then chase after it, even if there's a chance your heart may be hurt. Its better than always holding back, afraid to fly."
"What are you afraid of sweetie?"
"I am going to be creating a new post today of the text messages that I had with Lucie today about the way self esteem really is a big nasty cock sucking pain in the ass. I should send you a copy or just forward you the texts. I am in a raw and angry-with-myself state of mind right now but I think it would do you good to hear it."