Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Movie Review - Breaking Dawn Pt 1

The short version..... if you are a fan of the books you will like the movie. If you aren't.... don't bother, unless you are in the mood for a bit of a laugh.

There are plenty of reviews for this film out there, but I thought I would throw my impressions out there anyway.

First off.... what the crap.... WE NEEDED MORE JASPER!

Okay, whew..... got THAT off my chest.....

Those of us who slogged through the "romance of the century" already know how completely corny and unlikely the majority of this book is.... from the stilted dialogue to the are-you-kidding twists and turns the plotline expects you to swallow. That said, there are plenty of so-called Twihards out there that just eat this stuff up with a spoon and will suspend reality for the course of two hours and come out swooning.

I did not swoon.....

The movie kicks right off with Jacob running out his front door, ripping his shirt off (to the squeals of audience goers) and turning to his normal "I'm-avoiding-complication-and-running-away" wolf state. He then takes off for a bit of the film.

We then zip over to last-minute wedding arrangements and then TA-DA the wedding to beat all weddings.... except that somehow Bella's wedding seems a little.... lacking. There are stupid jokes, a cameo of author Stephanie Meyer, and then this wedding dress that has been under wraps since forever is finally revealed to look like a shapeless potato sack with a see-through (and very tacky) back. Editing is very poorly done as we wind up watching a close-up of Bella's hairclip walk down the aisle and then we slowly slide down the too-much-skin-showing-for-a-wedding dress.... I was sitting in the audience with a serious "what the crap" look on my face for this one.... oh, and some wisecracks about how Edward and Bella are finally going to "get some" that were not necessary (the book has a lot more of these comments in the "second half", so I am sure those will manage to find their way into the final film... oh joy!)

Flash ahead to the honeymoon (more bad edits.... Bella apparently didn't sleep on the airplane judging by the fact that a flight from Seattle to Rio doesn't muss up her hair or wrinkle her dress, and yet she's wide awake and ready to go dancing?) We zip to the honeymoon spot, more bad dialogue before we get to watch our lovers walk into the surf for some cheesy "gaze at the moon" moments (again, bit of skin showing here, but its interesting to note how in some shots they appear to be chest deep in water and then suddenly seem to be waist deep without moving! Hmm, maybe they are working around showing too much skin?)

We are stuck with yet more bad edits (the sad story of this film) as Bella and Edward finally consummate their relationship.... with a fade out to keep everything at a safe PG-13 (originally this had an R rating). You pretty much saw it all already in the movie trailer, so that should give you a clue as to what you are in for. When that scene was over I was relieved to be able to let the teen with me uncover her eyes to enjoy the rest of the movie.... only to come to the next morning where Bella daydreams about the night before and hey, we're back in the sex scene! Oh brother....

After that everyone pretty much keeps their clothes on.

Bella discovers that after one night of sex that Edward, super vampire, has impregnated her.... though the scene had me chuckling as she stares at her belly in horror, checking herself out from the side with lines like "that's impossible" and clutching her FREAKING FLAT TUMMY! If that girl's stomach is supposed to be distended its by a millimeter at most....

...long story shorter.... they fly home, being typical Bella she defies everyone's counsel and decides to be noble and sacrifice her life for that of her unborn child (though she actually comes off as whiny... no big shocker there). Plenty more cheesy dialogue, bad bad bad use of CGI with the wolfpack scenes (not that the wolves look bad, but its glaringly distracting from the rest of the film's lack of CGI that it stands out like a sore thumb).

Bella magically (against all odds) ends up surviving (I won't spoil how for those who haven't read the book) but its so far-fetched in the book that the movie made this scene seem fairly laughable. The movie ends with the birth of the child (its a girl) and the discovery that Bella isn't dead but will now (in the next film) be starting her life as a vampire.... forever whiny.... man, I don't envy Edward being stuck with that! I am amazed though that vampire venom can take an emaciated skeleton and magically plump out boobs and put some meat back on those bones... all without draining someone first! Its like watching some Extreme Makeover show.... vampire edition.

The movie, as I said, is poorly edited.... you have several false endings that catch you off guard. You're thinking "okay, here is where they are cutting the movie off until next year's finale" only to find there is still another five to ten minutes to go. There is also a small scene with the Volturi as you get into the credits, so if you've made it that far you may as well stick around through the first of the credits for the scene.

All-in-all.... good for laughs, but this movie isn't really something that you can take seriously.... at least "Eclipse" had enough of a storyline to keep you watching. I will, however, give it a B for a decent adaptation of what was already a fairly laughable book. Will I buy it when it comes out on video? Not sure.... probably, in order to have the "complete collection" and I will certainly give the finale a shot.... but I don't expect to be getting it out much for all-day Twilight movie marathons or anything.

And if anyone from Summit Entertainment happens to read this.... I meant it... MORE JASPER!

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