And depression sets in.... "Something More"

I want something more substantial than tears to keep me through the night; flowing freely from my heart twisting in pain. A seemingly never-ending river winding its salty path down my cheeks to stain my lips. Lips that will never again have someone taste them...or even want to try. Years of loneliness stretch before me like an open highway of torment: seeing what others possess, what I lack and would so desperately love to have. A life of one is the most wasted being in the world.

Cars and Friends 4

nearly four and still no word......crap!

Cars and Friends 3

Well, called yesterday and was told tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow....maybe. Geez! Stayed yet again at Mike's place and we ended up dying our hair...okay, I ended up dying our hair....mine is now dark brown (I LOVE IT!)I was really not liking that strawberry/golden brown thing I ended up with last time and Mikey is now blond on top and dark on the bottom. He likes it but says it really isn't him so we are grabbing another bleach kit tonight and blond-ing up the rest of his head! Let's hope though that my car is actually working today...tomorrow we go up to Layton again for a Memorial Day BBQ at Ronetta's and it would be nice to go home first and wear a different set of clothes than what I have been stuck with for the last two weeks....if I haveta wear this t-shirt one more time.....

Car Repairs and Friends 2

Well, called at noon today and guess what????? They need to order another valve and it will probably be another couple of days....but thank you for being so patient. They actually thanked me for my patience!?!?!? What good would yelling and screaming do, really? The gal then said "if you need to run anywhere be sure to give me a call"...what do you say to that "yeah, I haven't been home in over a week, mind picking me up after work, taking me home and then bringing me back to work again in the morning????" sigh. So Mike says its okay to stay at his place again...sigh sigh sigh. He left early today to run to SLC but he left me his keys and a warning to not let the roomie see me. I guess its better than the bus......Don't get me wrong, I really do like spending time with this guy and all but after a week and a half of living out of a suitcase and pretty much hiding out in someone's bedroom (even if it does have a bathroom attached) you get pretty tired of it all and just wanna be in your own space where you can hang out in your undies if you feel like it.

Car repairs and friends

Well...been stuck at a friends house for a week now waiting for my car to finally be road-worthy again. Took it in Tuesday night and was told Wednesday to come and get it....YES!!!!! 10 miles later the tranny went out again and we had to limp it back to the garage to be told Thursday I could get it....then told Friday....then told Monday...then told Tuesday...now, finally, I am hearing Wednesday by noon FOR SURE! (sigh) Man I miss independence and a set of wheels to take me there. I am also tired of fast food, living out of a suitcase, and being on my best, most friendliest behavior since I am not bumming around in my room but someone elses. sigh sigh sigh. Still, its nice to know that I have someone that is willing to let me crash with them for a week without complaint, sleep on their bedroom floor and snore away, let me use their bathroom and try and somewhat keep me amused without repayment! Still, all this "fun" will be $1752.45 just for the auto....I haven't even tried calculating the costs of eating out, etc etc. Say goodbye to my tax return, but then I really do love my car...so I guess its okay since this is really the only thing that's gone wrong with it in the year-and-a-half that I've owned it. Trust me, I've put it through a lot....but then you can also say that about this friend....still there even though this has been a lot to ask...people can really surprise you sometimes, can't they?

Today sucks.....

How do I reach the point where my spirits no longer rise and fall in time to what you think of me? How do I put you firmly behind the friendship only line? How do I get myself to stop thinking? Wanting? Hoping? Feeling?

Raw Power

Impressions driving back from Layton with the windows down. The wind was gusting through the window such power you couldn't breathe...WOW....amazing!

Let the wind buffet me bloody, its the only way I can feel alive. Winds smashing hard, ripping breath away. Lungs burning with oxygen sting. Face numb with the pummeling. Roaring fills my every sense, hammers itself unrelentingly into me, smashing wildly regardless of my will or desire. The warmth of the sun penetrates through the clouds and fills me; reminding me of its soothing presence. Waiting to heal once the assault and turmoil is over and done.

Stuck in the middle

"Hey! Don't write yourself off yet, its only in your head you feel left out and looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can, and don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away. It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride, everything will be just fine....." -Jimmy Eat World, The Middle

Middles are a pill because even though a chunk of the journey is behind you, you still haven't reached that brass ring, that stretch that shows you all your steps have been working you closer to something real, rather than the dream of reality you build up along the way. Why we put our hopes in dreams is beyond my ability to understand--dreams let you down down and again because the real world will never fully measure up. Dreams are what sustains us, gets us up out of bed in the morning, but they are never really attainable, are they? I am hoping and wishing and dreaming and trying to keep my head up as I move forward but I can't stop hurting myself along the way. It's not deliberate but I still do it--you think I'd learn by now. Dreams are wonderful, but they also hurt. They may be nothing more that hopes and desires and make-believe but oh how they crush me beneath their crumbling foundations.

Tired of Me

I am tired of me.
Tired of my thinking,
wishing, dreaming...
Tired of always following the same old patterns.
Hasn't that path hurt me enough to want to find a new way?
Tired of pinning all my hopes to the same old star of love--
dreams, hopes, desires are not there for me today
but maybe tomorrow...I am
Tired of me

Friends

You know you have a wonderful friend when he makes up excuses to hang out at work with you for two hours waiting for the plummer to show at 9 pm......

Wanting....wishing....waiting...

I am one who has been loved by wind
by rain and stars and moon
Who'd give them up for the love of one good man
In whose sight I could outshine the sun at noon.....
God grant that I one day find it!

Fear of dating.....

With bare heart bursting
little goddess girl
crushed beneath moonlight's petal soft kisses

I am the star of my very own freak show!

Well, Karma, for some absolutely unknown reason decided to just lay it on me today....I swear I am a freaking walking disaster in blue jeans! Not only have I killed the copy machine here at work (fried its circuitry the first few weeks I worked here) but I have now killed the toilet. Here I am, its late, I am soooooooooooo tired and I decide to flush my leftover chicken down the drain. BAD MOVE! Someone please tell me this is a girl thing and not just me but I am now sitting here, waiting for the Roto Rooter guy and listening to my co-worker laugh his ass off as he came trotting over to see this catastrophe for himself. Okay, so he actually came over to try and help but he's definitely amused over the whole situation. Sadly, I have been nicknamed the office goddess around here (long story)....well Mike has now narrowed it down to either the goddess of chaos or destruction....I think he's rooting for destruction. Someone freaking shoot me.......