Friday, January 28, 2011
Yesterday I had a confrontation with a very angry man. I will not go into a lot of details, but suffice it to say he stormed over to where I was sitting, leaned in over me and started ranting and raving, hands curled into fists and let me have it with both barrels... apparently someone has big issues with women in any sort of position of authority.
Thankfully, it ended and the confronter stalked off, but it certainly left me shaking, wanting to cry and my stomach seriously considered tossing what little lunch I'd just had. Eating the rest of my lunch was definitely not happening....and, as the hours passed the trembling finally stopped and I found myself getting angrier and angrier with myself for how I had responded to the situation.
It has been quite some time since my last intimidating confrontation with a man, and I had always thought I would be stronger now and could take it. I am no longer that wimp, I had thought....boy was I proved wrong. The only thing that kept me from crying was the fact that I wasn't about to let this jerk know he'd have that power over me. Anger pretty much filled my afternoon....anger towards my aggressor, anger with myself....but at least I got through my day. You can always break down when you go home, I told myself.
I was finally able to go home about 4 hours later, and wound up having a long talk with someone I trust about the situation (by the way, did I thank you for that?). I did not break down. I am no longer angry with myself either, and know that, should the occasion arise again, I will not blame myself for any "weakness" I may feel. I know it is a natural reaction for a girl who has taken the years of crap I have to feel fear in the face of open aggression....I think I would probably feel the same even without my past "history".
It is what I do with that fear that defines me, not that I felt it. I refuse to let any man make me feel inferior and small ever again....I may tremble, but I will not bow my head and think less of myself because some man has his own issues and takes them out on me.
My aggressor is here again today (unavoidable really)...
I stood firm and, while I haven't spoken to him more than absolutely necessary, I think it was fairly obvious from the look on my face when he walked in that he was to leave me alone and back the hell off. Thankfully, he did so, and has ignored me as well.
Guess we'll have to see how the days that follow go.....