Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Do we ever reach the point where we feel like we're worth something?
Angry, sad, anger again, tired, hateful of myself, hurt....as Ron Weasley so perfectly put it "No one person could feel all that...they'd explode" (cue cleanup crew)
Once again I am just reminded of how much I do not feel as if I fit in, as if every choice I make (however right it seems at the time) is yet another mistake. I am angry that I allow people to lie, manipulate and use me, tired of being so trusting but feel like I am being a real witch if I try to stand up against it. Why is it wrong to stand up for yourself...and why do I feel like a complete s*%t when I do? I am just tired of always questioning my place on this little ball of dust and wondering when I am going to pull my act together enough to make something of myself. I guess I just feel overwhelmed and fast approaching burnout... I want to start screaming if anyone adds one more thing to all that is crashing around me already. Sadly, I wouldn't though...I'd just smile, say "no problem" and do whatever it is while berating myself for being a spineless wimp. Why do I attract these kind of people who just know they can use you and use you and use you until there is nothing left? How can people believe its okay? And how do they freaking justify being angry with you when you finally do reach the breaking point and say "no more"? I just want one accomplishment in my life; it doesn't even have to be a big one. Hell, I don't even care if no one else knows about it...I am used to people being disappointed in me. Just one thing I can look back on and say "see, you didn't screw that up. Good job". I go into so many things with the best of intentions and I always manage to mess it up and fail miserably... and I am so scared of trying yet again only to fail. I should have had my life together long before this....no wonder I feel worthless.